10 movies to watch during COVID

Some more obvious than others. None to be taken seriously.

10. The Mask

Featuring a Baywatched Cameron Diaz, Jim ‘Robotnik’ Carrey in his finest form, the director (Chuck Russell, who also given us Eraser and The Scorpion King — cameo-ed in The Mask and Eraser as a very imaginative… Charles Russell character), The Mask is basically about luck striking once in a lifetime.

Stanley Ipkiss plays a rather unhappy yet wiseass nobody that is accidentally gifted with a mythological object — movie title… — that grants him insane superpowers.

Insane is to say the least… he does not fly but cracks amazing jokes that will make you rotfl, lol, kkk, rsrsrsrs, ahahah and la-di-da.

Movie is fast-paced, has some good gags and you can listen to some Royal Crown Revue while you’re at it.

And Cameron Diaz. As a child with double Ds.

Fun fact: Jim Carrey was Nominated for a Golden Globe in 1995 for this performance!

7 out of 10

9. The Man in the Iron Mask

This should be treated as a comedy because I think no other flick has had such a phenomenal cast- in terms of ‘look at me, I’m a movie and I have great actors!’ — and had so many problems as a motion picture designed to entertain and make us forget.

Leo DiCaprio plays two dudes and dies as 0 of them (that’s a spoiler, his further career would not be like that).

Gabriel Byrne is D’Artagnan and bangs the Queen of France. John Malkovich overacts as Athos and Depardieu makes us laugh once in a while as the chubby funster aka Porthos.

Jeremy Irons also overacts a bit too much as Aramis, the ‘brains’ of this way too improbable (or is it impossible?!) clumsy operation disguised as an ‘historical comedy’ about Leo DiCaprio hanging out with some older gentlemen in the open.

5 out of 10

8. Deadpool

If you’re into the likes of Scrubs, Community, Parks & Rec then this movie is nothing like that. Of course, once it goes meta, it totally thanks all these shows.

Probably the best thing that ever happened to Ryan Reynold’s career. And it was so coincidental — he actually played Deadpool before, in some Wolverine crappy movie written by… the GoT directors!) that some things really do come around.

Deadpool is a mockery of the action hero genre while it finds some space to be… a truly decent superhero movie.

Features Morena Baccarin — always good! — and that fat dude from Silicon Valley.

Has awesome VFX for its budget and does not try too hard to impress.

7 out of 10

7. Dogma

I’ve chosen this because it has always been a good movie, anytime, anywhere. Great cast, great script, great fun for a couple of hours.

Dogma is Religion by and For Dummies.

There’s Chris Rock as the Black Apostle.

The late and great George Carlin.

The late and great Alan Rickman.

Alanis playing God. And the ‘marvel duo’ from the late 90s, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, this time following the geek lead from God of Nerds Kevin Smith.

It’s a movie that will pick your brain about certain (mis)conceptions.

A good ride indeed!

8 out of 10

6. Face/Off

Has anybody heard of Nic Cage? He played a few roles in his heyday.

Face Off was no exception to his amazing range as an ‘action hero’ actor (despite looking like a tax lawyer he played a bike rider, a car robber, basically a Discount MacGyver in the late 90s), and I’m including City of Angels in his extraordinary filmography. Somebody who has not fallen asleep during this movie… I’m waiting for some raised fingers here!

So, “to take his face… off!”…

I dunno too much about this movie because I love it so damn much. It is So Hollywood, so cheap, so vain and so ridiculous that it may top The Man in the Iron Mask as a comedy.

John Woo directs (you can see by the pigeons or doves or whatever; weird fetish dude) Nicholas Cage and that pilot that believes in lasers from the skies and fireballs from the seas in a script that must have read like this:

“Explosions. Face off with no slash. Change characters. Explosions. Roll Credits”.

Act 3 is way too long — like, it’s a whole other movie… — but the first two-thirds of the movie are genuinely fun to watch.

Features Joan Allen, Jake Peralta’s nemesis Gina Gershon, Pollux and Dietrich.

Prison break scene is cool.

7 out of 10

5. Scream

The original. Not the one with Creed mastering the soundtrack.

Attention to everyone: Scream is not a worthless piece of movie.

It’s quick-witted, fast-paced, obeys to some classic rules of movie making, tributes some other movies of the genre but, unfortunately, it stars the least capable group of young actors of their generation.

I mean, I can take a weak and lame Neve Campbell but I will not cope with Drew Barrymore, Courteney Cox (pre-Arquette or after, who cares?!), Rose McGowan and those other dudes, even Skeet Ulrich does a great job of sucking ass.

Of course Wes Craven didn’t ask them to be De Niros. The movie needs no true effort.

But, even with this meaningless flaw, Scream is a funny ‘slasher’ and I consider it very, very watchable.

6 out of 10

4. The Mask of Zorro

Yes, it’s got Banderas slicing and dicing but what you’ve really came to see here was Catherine Zeta-Jones taking off some clothes.

Not even Anthony Hopkins trash talking will get you distracted from the main sub-plot: Zeta-Jone’s pele.

Way too long in some scenes (not Face/off long, but it gets boring revolving the same doors over and over), it fits the purpose of pure and simple entertainment.

Is it funny though? Yes.

Is Zeta-Jones sexier in this or in Entrapment?

I dunno… I just dunno.

6 out of 10

3. The Predator

If you haven’t seen this one coming, you’re lame.

Predator is, in my humble and stupid opinion, John McTiernan at his best. Features not one, not two but three former US Governors. Apollo Creed. A bad ass for a villain. An outstanding score by Silvestri (you know, that one, who scored… Endgame).

Bad jokes by Hawkins. Great quotes by Blaine.

And Dutch calling someone “ane ucli matafuca”.

Nice movie, great people.

8 out of 10

2. Star Wars: A New Hope

Is it the best? I don’t care. I genuinely don’t care. Di to the ll to the igas.

Features Darth. And this scene.

And that’s the only reason it features in this list: it’s got one of the most iconic masks in the history of Movies.

9 out of 10

1. Spider-Man

I once wrote Kirsten Dunst, spotted here as the worst Mary Jane in the short-lived history of all the Mary Janes, would someday win the Oscar. I wrote this. Because of this movie.

I’ve known Kirsten before. I’ve seen her in Drop Dead Gorgeous. I thought… ‘she’s not bad at acting’. And DDG featured a crazy cast of women, both talented and untalented!

Well Sam Raimi’s Spidey is basically ‘studied’ by my dear friend Cosmonaut. He will tell you some stuff about the series.

The thing is, I agree with him on this. Spider-Man is fun to watch. And that’s basically what brought you here.

9 out of 10

The will and determination to sit through hours and hours of crappy movies while your friends are partying at the beach.

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