10 things to know about the lists of 10 things you find on the web

1 > you may have to use and abuse copy paste for a minute. Meaningless info is all around the web and you might think you pick your stuff to share but it’s actually the other way around. I’ve seen posted stuff advertised as brand new that’s as old as Don Rickles so aim your copy paste carefully. Search for absurd studies. Also, remember, write and underline of the word ‘study’. It usually sells like shit for flies (Ogilvy actually missed this and I don’t know why:)

2 > so you already mastered copy paste. You’re doing fine. Now let’s move to complete and utter stupidy. Say your title says ’10 things cows do while they’re sleeping’ and your #1 thing was ‘they moo Mozart themes during REM sleep’. Cool.

Now you must have an ace up your sleeve because #2 will actually hook ‘list readers’ (yeah, that’s a thing, ask Arianna Huffington) to your shitty post. Let’s be way too broad, generic and appeal to the lowest and brainless common denominator. I would even suggest a gif or a meme to speed things up but let’s not get too carried away. So my suggestion would be something like ‘while they snore milk cheese comes out of their asses’. Congrats. Readers will now move on to number 3 and their expectations are getting higher and higher about this cow bullshit you’re telling them about.

3 > Now the time has come to publish some sort of gif. I would say this is a reader magnet and it’s good to kick things off in terms of pictures

https://media.giphy.com/media/h55EUEsTG9224/giphy.gif

but your caption has to say something really really really really really really really dumb. Let’s meme this fucker up

Moo-ow! You’re a natural!

4 > I’m guessing nobody cares about #4. The nonsense of the previous points just make this totally random and up for anything that pops in your mind. So let’s go for broke…

‘Cows are said to remember brand of their first milking machine’

5 > Now it’s time to pull some sort of context or backstory. Lists (contrary to what you might think) actually have a storyline. But keep in mind: stupidy comes first. Always.

‘First cow studied in her sleep farted for 5 minutes when she woke up’

6 > Randomize and ‘dumbify’ part II

‘Cow’s tits said to enlarge 30% during copulation and 22% during sleep’

7 > Summon copy paste again. It’s a golden rule. Other options include signing off your post with a meme form of said copy paste. It’s what readers will take beyond the stupidity of your list.

‘Cows are my passion. What I have ever sighed for has been to retreat to a Swiss farm, and live entirely surrounded by cows — and china’.

8 > Share an emotional detail about your subject. Take a Temple Grandin quote (bonus points for the 3rd copy paste of your list), get more personal and into it. You’re running out of numbers and you have to push the tearjerker keys. Maintain absurdity at sky-high levels.

‘Raped cows are said to experience insomnia, low blood pressure and dry cough’

9 > You can also get creative in your copy paste (wtf?!). Share a song. A painting. A poem. You gotta live and breathe your list subject!

10 > End up on a positive note. The so-called ‘slope of enlightenment’ on the hype cycle that usually shares a good vibe and pushes readers to interaction. Put a personal cherry on top. Sign off and get the fuck out!

‘Cow sleeps for a week and ends up producing the best milk in 80 years for a Romanian 92 year old farmer’